


War of Hearts

by lilacsberries



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Denial of Feelings, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Hopeful Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:46:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23473411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilacsberries/pseuds/lilacsberries
Summary: She promised herself she wouldn't let Pearl see how much she cared for her. Not now. Not in the middle of the war. Not under these conditions. But she had to. Because the hard truth is that she might not be here to see the end of the war.
Relationships: Bismuth & Pearl (Steven Universe), Bismuth/Pearl (Steven Universe)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25





	War of Hearts

**Author's Note:**

> This one goes to my best friend shauna. I love you bro.

Another exhaustive week, another exhaustive day. They were preparing to go into the battlefield again, the first battalion had just returned. The room was flooded with gems being patched, Bismuth had never seen so many nearly shattered gems in the same room, and she could only wonder when would be here time as well. One day she would come back from the battlefield just like that, if she had the luck to comeback at all. Every day it was more and more dangerous to step out, to fight, to make a stance. And Bismuth was exhausted.

She ran her eyes through the full room, she knew she was gonna be called soon to lead the next battalion to glory – or utter defeat, and she refused to go without seeing her first. Bismuth needed only a glance at her and all her doubts and fears immediately disappeared. She could recognise Pearl's pink armor anywhere, the contrast between Pearl's soft delicate small figure and the heavy armour made Bismuth's chest ache in a way she wished wasn't possible. Bismuth cared a lot about her pride, she had pride in her name and pride in all of her victories so far, she wanted more than anyone to win the War and end this stupidity, however, Bismuth knew that if given the chance, she would take Pearl in her arms and run away. Far far away. They would hide and hope all of this to pass. Bismuth nearly felt ashamed of the thought, maybe she was a coward yes. But at least **_she_** would be safe. In the middle of so much destruction and hurt, she was the only good thing left.

Bismuth cursed at herself, her nose wrinkling up at the mere thought. No, she could not do it. Pearl would never forgive her for that. She was in too deep. If only there was a way to just put an end to it all, to cut the evil right from it's source. This whole war was pointless, their only chance to win was by causing even more destruction.

But Bismuth set those thoughts aside as soon as she realized she had been staring at Pearl's back for far too long, only it wasn't Pearl's back she was staring at anymore. Pearl had noticed Bismuth, and as usually she approached her with worrying caring eyes. Bismuth shifted in her spot. She couldn't let Pearl see how she felt. Not now.

— _Bismuth? Everything okay?_ – Pearl asked as soon as she got to Bismuth, who quickly avoided Pearl's eyes, she feared if she looked she wouldn't be able to control her feelings. She pretend to cough.

— _Oh yes. Everything is fine. I was just thinking. –_ Bismuth answered quickly, roughly, like a soldier. Lately she had been more closed off. She couldn't help it. 

Pearl had noticed this change of behaviour for the past few days. It worried her deeply, but alas she couldn't really blame Bismuth, with the war at its peak it made every gem adopt a colder position, they couldn't have the luxury to fail. They had to remain focused. And to be quite frank she didn't really know how to bring her dear friend back. So she did the only thing she possibly could, she stayed by her side. Even when she didn't really know how.

Pearl followed Bismuth's gaze through the room, they were both standing by the end of the hallway, away from the mess, near them there was only a small door to Rose's private room. She wasn't present at the moment however, she was off studying the battlefield territory and the best attack and defensive points. Pearl loved watching her work, the only reason she wasn't with her right now was because she had been ordered by Rose herself to watch over the battalion in case anything happened.

For awhile Bismuth and Pearl just stood there, silent, waiting, taking it all over. Until Bismuth finally broke the quiet. She could swear she saw Pearl let out a relieved sigh. And It warmed her more than she wished.

— _It's a shame you know. –_ Bismuth said, not holding back in the sigh, brushing the back of her head with her left hand, as if it would help her accept reality faster. – _So many gems, so much destruction. And for what?_

Pearl turned immediately, fully facing Bismuth now, she looked utterly puzzled by the question, as if she couldn't believe what she was wearing, so much so she even laughed the slightest. Was that Bismuth's attempt at humour? It could be the only explanation. 

— _Why, for Rose's cause of course. –_ it was all Pearl could say, needed to say. Bismuth was embarrassed to admit she hoped to get a different answer, she wasn't surprised when her expectations weren't met.

— _Really? I thought we were fighting to free Earth. Not because its Rose's cause but because it's the right thing to do. For all of us._

Pearl didn't know what to think, Bismuth's words had come out harsher than she wanted, she brushed her face with her two hands. She must be losing it. Regret now making it's way to Bismuth's chest, heavy and hot and unpleasant. Pearl looked at Bismuth though she said nothing, which was worse than any reaction Bismuth thought she would receive. From the corner of her eyes she could see Pearl giving a small nod, and then turning on her feet, ready to walk away. Everything happened so fast Bismuth didn't have time to think things through. When she realised her hand was holding Pearl's, as softly as she could, not to scare her off, and Pearl immediately turned back to face her. Brows deep in thought, she was going to say something, but Bismuth got there faster.

— _I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Pearl. Please don't go. Stay. –_ Bismuth's voice was so soft, so different from her usual harsh deep tone, that Pearl could barely hear it, were they not so close to each other.

Bismuth let Pearl's hand go and she leaned back to the wall, she wasn't expecting Pearl to actually stay. So to say Pearl's next reaction surprised her was to say little.

Pearl stood in front of Bismuth, having to look up to face her, placing her tiny hands just under Bismuth's gem. — _Oh Bismuth. I'm here._

Bismuth finally gained the courage to look down, meeting Pearl's eyes. Eyes which she feared had already become everything to her. And she noticed Pearl's hands on her chest. Was this allowed? Could she really feel like this? No. She couldn't let Pearl see. She couldn't show it. Not now. Not in the middle of a war. But how could she not melt? When kind eyes were cutting straight into her soul, eyes full of understanding and forgiveness. How could she be able to do anything but fall? Deeper and deeper. However, there was no way Pearl felt the same, that much she knew.

— _You know, every time we go out there, I feel like I lose myself just a bit more and more. –_ Bismuth said, with her big smile, trying and miserably failing to mask the sadness of their reality. She felt Pearl's hand clutch tightly in her chest. And she understood that Pearl felt the same.

— _I know. But for each piece of yourself that you lose out there I will be sure to pick them back up. –_ One of Pearl's hand left Bismuth's chest only to find it's way to Bismuth's cheek, slightly stroking away a single tear, while the other kept caressing her chest. Bismuth quietly shook her head. 

— _Pearl you really don't get it. –_ Bismuth words could be taken as a threat had she not inclined her head deeper into Pearl's hands as she said it. Had her expression not threaten to break down in tears. – _It's not me I'm afraid to lose._

Pearl felt her skin grow warmer, she didn't quite know why, she wanted to take that pain away from Bismuth, she didn't wish to see her cry. Bismuth who was always so full of live, so happy and full of jokes. Bismuth who could make Pearl laugh like no one else. Bismuth who was so different from all the other gems, at least to Pearl's eyes. Pearl had extreme proud on her extensive knowledge but when it came to her own feelings it was still unexplored territory, scary and dark. A place she was not yet ready to understand. But when she looked at Bismuth, she felt something she couldn't quite describe, at least not yet. She felt like coming home, after a hard day. Whatever that really meant. Maybe she shouldn't, but she enjoyed that only she had the honor of seeing this side of Bismuth.

Bismuth sighed, tiredness and sadness and hopelessness hanging in her expression. – _It's not me I'm afraid to lose every time I step into the battlefield._ – Bismuth took Pearl's hand that once stood in her chest to her own hand, the size different was something to gasp at. – _It's you Pearl._

Bismuth stared at those confused big eyes, and the slightly flushed cheeks, and she damned the universe for making her confess under such cruel circumstances. Maybe in another life she would have confessed under a sunset, after a long walk through a pretty flowers field. And they would laugh and smile and be free. But now, here, there was only pain, distress, and fear. They had already lost so much, and what they hadn't lose yet was too precious to let go. 

_— Bismuth.... I.... I don't ... I can't –_ Pearl who always had an answer ready for any situation found herself at a loss of words. She felt Bismuth push her into an embrace, her hands on her back were big and warm, and her arms were more comfortable than they had any right to be. Pearl didn't move. Bismuth continued talking.

— _Every time we go out I feel like my heart is gone, looking to you. Lately I'm always searching for you in the battlefield. Losing sight of you seems like a bigger threat than any weapon I could face. And I hate it Pearl. I hate not being able to be in two places at the same time. I can't win a war and protect you at the same time. So I had to...I had to distance myself. I had to focus. The sooner we win the war the sooner we are free and safe. So I thought.... If I can turn off everything until the war is over we will be okay. And then I can tell you all that I want. —_ Bismuth spoke clearly and quickly, as if she feared she would regret the words as soon as they slipped from her mouth, she was waiting, for what she did not know. 

She promised herself she wouldn't let Pearl see how much she cared for her. Not now. Not in the middle of the war. Not under these conditions. But she had to. Because the hard truth is that she might not be here to see the end of the war. And she couldn't go on fighting knowing that Pearl didn't know how she felt. She would rather get her heart broken than going on suffering like this. It wasn't fair. None of this was fair. Now she only wished Pearl would be kind enough as to forgive her selfishness. Because to confess her feelings in a time where loving something can be so dangerous, oh there was truly nothing more selfish than that. 

Due to their tight embrace, Pearl's head was resting comfortably and deeply on Bismuth's chest. Her words came out muffled, her voice barely audible.

— _And... What is it that you want to tell me? We... We might not see the end of the war. Please tell me. Please. –_ Pearl's last request was followed by a silent sob, and were it possible Bismuth would have held her even more tightly. Instead she picked Pearl's chin up, she wouldn't let her cry alone. And she smiled, in the most reassuring way she could.

— _Don't you think you are putting me on the spotlight here, doll? –_ she laughed awkwardly. Bismuth feared she had no speeches left in her, no strength for that, her heart really might just break. Pearl laughed, so quietly it could've been confused by a sob. But Bismuth new her too well. Loved her too deeply.

— _Maybe. I apologise. –_ Pearl laughed once more, trying to control the need to cry even more. The sound made Bismuth heart grow warmer.

_— Once the war is over, and you and I both survive this, I will tell you, everything, and then you'll decide either or not you still want to stay. –_ Bismuth brushed Pearl's cheek with only the tip of her thumb. And although she looked at Pearl, her eyes were dreamy, far away, in another reality, a more kind one, one that didn't belong to them just yet.

— _What makes you think I won't? I'm here right now. –_ Pearl didn't really wish to know the answer to that question, but she couldn't stop herself from asking either. She knew, deep down, she knew. But it felt wrong to her. 

— _I see the way you look at her, when she's not looking. It's the same way I look at you. –_ Bismuth smiled, Pearl couldn't tell if it was a sad smile or not, though to Bismuth, it was a defeated one. – _And I just can't compete with her. We are all amazed by her, I k_ _now._

Pearl couldn't help but heavily blush, she was right, Bismuth was right. But she didn't know the full story yet, she didn't know different it was. Maybe Bismuth was right, maybe she couldn't compete. But then again why did she had to? Pearl didn't want to her to compete. She didn't need her to. Because yes, Pearl couldn't erase all the complicate feelings she had for Rose neither could she erase what she was feeling right now. Under Bismuth's undivided attention, under her charismatic gaze and her big warm arms. She couldn't erase how her heart beated faster at the realisation that Bismuth was afraid to loser, so much so she felt the need to completely disconnect herself from her usually cheerful personality. She couldn't erase how much she just wanted to sink in into Bismuth's chest and stay there, having no worries or fears, feeling so safe and cared for. And she certainly couldn't erase how much she wanted to hear Bismuth say all that she wanted to say. And ultimately she couldn't deny, just how much she wanted to stay.

And maybe, the next time they went to the battlefield, Bismuth's heart wouldn't be the only one wandering. Maybe the next time, Pearl would take more attention to her surroundings. Maybe next time, if they came back from the battlefield, she would wish to repeat this all over again. Sink into Bismuth's warmth and regain her energy.

And maybe, just maybe, they could start something beautiful. Between all the chaos and destruction. And if the universe were kind to them, who knew, maybe they could even get out of this alive and together, and then Pearl would decide either she wanted to stay or not, just like she had promised Bismuth. The growing feeling in her chest gave her hope, and maybe, for the first time, life could be about more than just surviving.


End file.
